tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62375752011-06-06T09:22:25.650-04:00Where the magic of mythical beasts and the casual atmosphere of the shack meet.Bettynoreply@blogger.comBlogger601100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-24187900491485964702007-06-28T02:44:00.000-04:002007-06-28T02:57:44.346-04:00

TofautarkyA soy-based economy-alternative that limits trade with the outside world, relying mostly if not entirely on its own resources, and is usually made from seitan or tofu.Goes great with...EmbarGo ColaThe refreshing soft drink that prohibits commerce with nations as political punishment! Refreshingly crisp and economy-stifling.

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1146370002883723192006-04-29T23:43:00.000-04:002006-12-15T20:37:54.816-05:00

Observe me living largely in my choice though artificial habitat.I was financially penalized into submission.Traffic laws were obeyed with all-time acquiescence and muttering umbrage after my insurance went up for a recent speeding ticket.A dog made me rearrange furniture.Much like David Berkowitz, I was compelled to do a neighborhood canine's bidding, which consisted of tasteful feng shui

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1145487179365360922006-04-19T18:44:00.000-04:002006-04-19T18:52:59.553-04:00

Stupid joke that yes, I made up #147Q: What do you call it when someone who's studying to become a traveling musician experiences a group of physical and/or psychological symptoms prior to graduation?A: Preminstral syndrome!Fuck you.

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1145402526897883332006-04-18T19:21:00.000-04:002006-04-19T18:54:35.356-04:00

Step 1: Get rich.Step 2: Have a great time.

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1144618692032098772006-04-09T17:34:00.000-04:002006-04-19T18:54:10.563-04:00

The Shack presents the following sneak previews of this summer's sure-to-be blockbusters.Brought to you by DismemberMintsTM, the new goth mouth-freshener!Sever bad breath with DismemberMintsTM!Prose and ConsA heartwarming tale of two cellmates who find love writing letters through a prison dating agency, only to find out that their penpals are actually each other! Rated NC-17 for extreme sexual

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1144618375318548952006-04-09T17:13:00.000-04:002006-04-19T18:55:06.376-04:00

Yes, everyone, your favorite Shack is back, and presenting itself self-referentially.Spurred on by the helpful suggestions/threats of friends, creator and CEO of The Unicorn Shack Betty Ballsworth has crawled out of the haze of depression and drug abuse to revive the blog of all - or at least some - blogs in a do and/or die fashion.With sponsorship from the Foundation for Stop Talking About Me

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1129275078604670842005-10-14T02:59:00.000-04:002006-12-15T20:24:37.620-05:00

New heights of delight were achieved this week, as follows.I failed to accurately convey the weirdness of a dream.Not for lack of trying.I wished I could shoot lasers out of my eyes.Seriously, that would be awesome.I used the phrase "This is our little secret" on at least two occasions.My creepiness index went up a point.I downloaded a bunch of power ballads from the 80's.The devil made me do it.

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1114745459795849632005-10-13T23:21:00.000-04:002005-11-09T22:07:45.840-05:00

A letter to the guy* at the thing.**Dear the guy,I'm sorry I emasculated you in front of your friends. I realize that you didn't expect your stale notions of human existence or gender norms to be challenged by a dumb girl this evening.All I can offer is my deepest condolences for the deflation of your ego and presumably your erection, though gladly I have no empirical evidence of the latter.Best

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1112575899586592392005-04-03T19:50:00.000-04:002005-04-04T01:35:41.256-04:00

Prominent and semi-prominent people are dying. A lot. While we're not fearing the reaper, I figured I might as well make some glib commentary. What can we do when our heroes off themselves? Sigh with relief about that last-minute decision to use pencil for "heroes list."Soliloquize in public places about the aberrant parody of humanity that is modern existence.Write a poem or short story.Throw a

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1109664251114301302005-03-01T03:00:00.000-05:002005-03-01T16:24:01.393-05:00

Another week has passed. All right, more than a week. Feh! Have some highlights, already.Gotta be me, drug free.I abstained from all drug use for 7 days in a row just to see if I could.I got real mad a lot.Anger management skills reached lowest levels since adolescence and/or cocaine withdrawal.March began.Another page was turned on my Star Trek (OS) calendar.My disillusionment with humanity knew

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1107892307957897212005-02-08T14:10:00.000-05:002005-02-08T16:28:56.973-05:00

A Cosmo extraction.* Let's face it, girls, we're here for them! Once you've landed a man, cooking for him, cleaning for him, pleasing him, having his children, and taking the occasional punch in the jaw are all part of the gig. But how can you be sure you're doing everything correctly, gracefully, and with efficiency? Wouldn't it be great to have some guidance from the men we adore and serve?

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1100642249196614182004-11-16T16:54:00.000-05:002004-11-17T02:38:16.900-05:00

Stupid joke that, yes, I made up #68 Q: What do you get when everything that can possibly go wrong goes wrong with a mayonnaise and cabbage mixture? A: Murphy's Slaw!* *Don't hate me because I'm hilarious.

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1099427210168270092004-11-02T15:02:00.000-05:002004-11-02T15:26:50.170-05:00

The Unicorn Shack is sponsoring a new grassroots organization in the year 2005 targeting middle school and high school teenagers across America to inform and integrate them into the largest growing demographic in America: The "Come Be Gay" Campaign We're recruiting and attempting to convert your children to homosexuality. It's not always an easy task, so we're enlisting the help of actual

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1098302876676772782004-10-20T15:44:00.000-04:002004-10-21T19:57:01.046-04:00

I learned it so you don't have to! It's not so hard to smuggle reefer on an airplane.Duct tape makes me itchy.It may be lonely at the top, but it sure is crowded in the middle.You've got to know when to hold 'em, especially when it comes to petty slot machines and your last five bucks.Prime rib dinner only 9.99.The American Dream smells a lot like stale cigar smoke and perfumed farts.The dumber

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1096920634518935652004-10-04T15:43:00.000-04:002004-10-04T16:10:34.516-04:00

A new week has come and gone. What have we learned? I waited for inspiration. Hoping for the big creative break that will propel me to immediate stardom, I waited. The Presidential Debate made me giddily depressed. I was even surprised by my surprise at feeling both glee and dolor about the president's fumbling. A left-wing fundraiser I attended was far more depressing. There are few social

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1096005426308734032004-09-24T01:41:00.000-04:002004-09-27T01:08:29.723-04:00

Share in the abridged glory of this week in the life of the Administratrix. I had a nightmare that I had a job. I returned to my first post-graduation job in this dream, groveled to be reinstated, then ran away in silent cowardice on the first day back. Many fruit flies died by my hand. Thrust into the heart of darkness on a serial fly-murdering mission, I sacrificed my humanity to become a

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1095270877647967412004-09-15T13:42:00.000-04:002004-09-15T13:54:37.646-04:00

Stupid joke that, yes, I made up #17 Q: Why didn't the man who froze himself awaken? A: His plan wasn't very well thawed-out!* *Punctuates the clamor of shame.

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1095102965022898112004-09-13T14:48:00.000-04:002004-09-22T01:49:16.293-04:00

Yay! You're in college, now. What's first on the list? Check out the dining hall? Purchase overpriced plastic "storage" units? Avail yourself to institutionalized exploitation by buying $100-a-piece textbooks from a monopoly-owned corporation with unfair labor standards? Wrong! Hook up that stereo and shake the tweeter with College Cool, Vol. I. That's right, kids; we've spent hours upon hours

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1094675475507788192004-09-08T15:22:00.000-04:002004-09-08T17:46:34.333-04:00

The Unicorn Shack has decided to enter the lucrative world of sports merchandise! We're offering an exciting new product line for discriminating local fanatics. Team Pride Self-Branding KitTM Wanna show off your team pride? Brand it into your flesh! Kit includes stainless-steel soleplate with team logo (heats up to 600 degrees Fahrenheit) and 3-foot cord to plug into any outlet! Yankees Suck

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1094365307099436392004-09-05T01:41:00.001-04:002004-09-05T19:41:41.996-04:00

It's time again to read and respond to completely authentic letters from our beloved (and very un-made up) readers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Betty, I think I may be in love with myself. What should I do? -Narcy Siss Dear Narcy, The best course of action would be to explore working in the performing arts, preferably as an actor or a

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1094184890874457482004-09-03T01:12:00.000-04:002004-09-03T00:14:50.873-04:00

Here at The Unicorn Shack we try to encourage imagination and/or delusional thinking. Follow this link and follow your dreams!

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1079505452596804822004-09-02T20:51:00.000-04:002004-09-03T00:09:20.040-04:00

We've sent our fact-checkers and proofreaders on a brief hiatus in order to bring you the following very special post. The Unicorn Shack wants you to get to know Betty with the fun "celebrity" game that keeps you guessing - is she straightforward or frontin'? Example: I died. Truth or lie? LIE. Betty never died; to the wild disdain of many she lives to this day in a delirious haze of grandiose

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1093583086755787212004-08-27T00:47:00.000-04:002004-08-27T01:04:46.756-04:00

-a haiku poem inspired by reflections on team building excercises if your company was manifested in wood i'd set it on fire

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1093412560500174812004-08-25T01:34:00.000-04:002004-08-25T01:42:40.500-04:00

Stupid joke that, yes, I made up #32 Q: Why did the Eskimo leave his tribe? A: He wasn't Innuit!* *Again, the use of the exclamation point clearly indicates self-hating shame and the absence of the means to conceal it.

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1093412024947674422004-08-25T01:15:00.000-04:002004-08-25T01:33:44.946-04:00

Excerpts and complete fabrications from transmissions sent this summer Re: I'm not dead. Dear Mom and Dad, As indicated in the subject line, I cling to life with ever-diminishing tenacity at Camp. Olfactory offenses and staff meetings are plentiful, as are general intestinal disturbances. I learned to crochet and am making lots of hats, scarves, and other useful items here in the damp, hot

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1093410841046096972004-08-25T01:08:00.000-04:002004-08-25T01:14:01.050-04:00

Stupid joke that, yes, I made up #78 Q: What was the lousy receptionist's blood type? A: Type O!* *The exclamation point is necessary to denote the false enthusiasm masking utter hopelessness.

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1085731833141593862004-05-28T03:23:00.000-04:002004-05-28T04:10:33.143-04:00

Dear Diary, It is Earthdate 0528040328. The carbon-based units suspect nothing. I myself suspect my domestic partner, MYQ unit, to be entirely manmade. While "his" programming is nearly immaculate, there is an obvious flaw in communication design indicated by a most omnipresent tendency to initiate "plays on words" - a incessant application of formula no human could imitate. Additionally,

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1083302714359991772004-04-30T00:57:00.000-04:002004-04-30T01:30:53.030-04:00

Our readers share agony and irony with The Unicorn Shack's all-knowing Administratrix. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Betty, I'd like to be able to realize my dreams of gluttony by eating unlimited amounts of fat-laden foods without gaining weight. Any suggestions? Oh, and I'd also like to jump off a building twenty or more stories high without

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1081315864961394102004-04-07T01:04:00.000-04:002004-04-07T01:36:16.140-04:00

Help Wanted The Unicorn Shack is hiring! Join our innovative and friendly staff. The following positions are open. Assistant to the Associate Seeking a creative, cheerful individual, preferably with a marijuana supply and/or trade liaisons for daytime assistance in the following matters; operation of "this infernal espresso machine," setting up for yoga for one, toilet paper detail, pushing

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1080765629673579002004-03-31T14:49:00.000-05:002004-04-02T12:56:29.716-05:00

Betty's Beauty Tips Want to be beautiful? Now you can! The Unicorn Shack has developed a Top Ten list that will redefine your notions of beauty and create a rift in space and time through which you can leap to aesthetic appeal! 10.) Think positive. Nobody likes a sad clown. You'll be attractive someday if you put your mind to it! 9.) When naked, be sure to pose in positions that accentuate

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1079445159176142532004-03-16T08:23:00.000-05:002004-03-16T08:55:55.233-05:00

Shack Attack! Regional News Today's forecast: expect some weather accompanied by a possible rise or fall in temperatures. Public Poll This poll was designed to include many perspectives in public opinion. Please select the answer that best suits you from the following. 1.) The Patriot Act a.) is one of the greatest democratic pieces of legislation to come to pass. b.) put one or more of my

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1078779491911579222004-03-08T15:14:00.000-05:002004-03-08T16:03:21.500-05:00

The Society for the Social Integration of White People presents... Hooked on Ebonics Do you have that not-so-stupid-fresh feeling? Do you continually alienate your black friends with your utter misunderstanding of their culture? Well turn down that Pat Boone and turn up the crunk, fool, because Hooked on Ebonics is here to help! Our skilled Urban Facilitators are fully trained in Hip Hop

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1078429345342871402004-03-04T14:42:00.000-05:002004-03-05T21:51:15.296-05:00

2004 Shack Haute Couture The Unicorn Shack advises readers on what's prêt à porter and prêt à poor-taste this spring. Non-nons: obesity, brown leather corsets, loose-fitting clothing, flats, individuality, and garments made from human flesh. Oui-ouis: anorexia, stilettos, skin-tight clothing, conformity, penis-shaped costume jewelry Also in this issue: check your social IQ Are you a bitch?

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1078108237089141132004-02-29T20:59:00.000-05:002004-02-29T21:33:32.356-05:00

The Unicorn Shack's Teen Sex Guide All right, kids! Enough of you have found this site while researching dry humping that it's time we address the subject with a Q & A session. Please clear your desks, stop touching yourselves, and pay attention. Q: Can I get pregnant from dry humping? A: You can't get pregnant, little Johnny, because you're infertile. And a boy. Q: What if I'm a fertile girl

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1077820314020524462004-02-26T13:07:00.000-05:002004-02-26T13:34:44.560-05:00

Okay, kids! It's time for... THE UNICORN SHACK'S SPRING BREAK PARTY 2004!!! This Spring Break, come party like a frantic, rabid animal in heat at Hotel The Shack! Our facilities are fully equipped to handle your destructive, sex-crazed tendencies. In fact, we're encouraging them! Room features include: - A year's supply of caffeine tablets - that's 3,000 for just one week! Don't miss a minute

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1077740019760960962004-02-25T14:49:00.000-05:002004-02-25T15:16:29.280-05:00

Ask Dr. Ballsworth The Doctor is in! -------------------- Dear Dr. Ballsworth, I am unable to move any part of my body, which has turned a bluish-white color. I also seem to be attracting flies. Can you help me? Sincerely, Ricky Mortis Dear Ricky, No one can help you because you're dead. Look into getting buried. -------------------- Dear Dr. Ballsworth, The left cheek of my derrier is

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1077653939413413792004-02-24T14:54:00.000-05:002004-02-24T15:21:47.560-05:00

To Hell with Homos, Bush Cries In a brave adherence to principle, President Bush made the courageous decision to pander to the religious fundamentalist, rather than the vile deviant, contingent of the voting populace. Thanks to our President for lending a hand in protecting the sacred institution of marriage from the corrupting influence of gay love!

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1077545587969976312004-02-23T08:45:00.000-05:002004-02-23T09:15:54.450-05:00

Internal Company Memo Please welcome Akhilesh Kumar, Oorjit Singh, and Sumati Patel to our staff! In order to remain competitive in the amorphous economy of today, The Unicorn Shack is outsourcing. We realize this change may affect many of our readers. As a champion of innovation, we aspire to continue providing our readers with accurate, affordable posts. We're sure you'll come to see this as

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1077300675126782472004-02-20T12:39:00.000-05:002004-02-20T14:31:59.623-05:00

Headlines! The Shack gives head...lines some serious thought. Haitians be Hatin' As the U.S. steps in to mediate the violent crisis in Haiti, they advise Americans to leave the country immediate to avoid getting "mediated" along with those rebel fuckers. U.S. Urges North Korea to End Nuclear Work The United States will gently nudge North Korea to "get dismantlin'." "I think North Korea's

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1076969183269643882004-02-16T17:06:00.000-05:002004-02-23T09:34:11.123-05:00

Letters to Betty Real correspondences from actual readers.* Dear Betty, I heard that you recently proposed to your boyfriend and he accepted. Congratulations! Did you choose the timing because it's okay for a woman to propose on a leap year? Sincerely, Sheila H. Dear Sheila, As you can probably glean from my previous entries, I regulate my behavior according to that which is socially

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1076522312834394272004-02-11T12:34:00.000-05:002004-02-11T13:03:25.186-05:00

Imperative Interrogatives presents... Readers' Roundtable The Unicorn Shack answers questions plaguing our readers on a wide array of important issues. Q: Who is Tat and why does he or she always get a tit? TUS: A better question to ask might be "Where is this surplus of tits that may be so frivolously depleted by handouts to name-determined recipients?" Q: What is The Unicorn Shack's stance

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1076348038692220272004-02-09T12:21:00.000-05:002004-02-09T12:49:52.716-05:00

Products for the People The Unicorn Shack has done it again! Exploiting our new position at the cryogenics lab after hours, we've developed a new product that's sure to have every kid on the block envious - and clamping their materialistic jaws down on mom and dad's wallet. Are you tired of having to make up psuedonyms for your mischief-making? Personal accountability getting you down? Take the

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1075929817180557972004-02-04T16:14:00.000-05:002004-02-10T12:39:24.466-05:00

ADVERTISEMENT The Happy Monkey Temporary Employment Agency wants you! Complete this questionnaire to determine your eligibility for job placement with us. 1.) Which of the following best describes you? a.) Free-thinking revolutionary b.) Unquestioningly acquiescent and adaptive c.) At the service of my superiors d.) Angry and destructive Answer: C Obviously, A disqualifies you immediately; we

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1075829898159033162004-02-03T12:31:00.000-05:002004-02-03T12:40:36.890-05:00

Today's Special Ricin Pudding 2 eggs 1/2 cup sugar 1/2 cup raisins or dried cranberries 2 cups milk 1/2 teaspoon vanilla 1/4 teaspoon salt 2 cups finely ground castor bean plant seeds (ricin) ground nutmeg Heat oven to 325 degrees F. Beat eggs in ungreased 1-1/2 quart casserole. Stir in sugar, raisins, milk, vanilla, salt and ricin. Sprinkle with nutmeg. Bake uncovered 50 to 60 minutes,

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1075743912736750192004-02-02T12:32:00.000-05:002004-02-02T12:47:53.576-05:00

Fetish fun The latest google search for unicorn penetration leads a British national hither! Though we have not yet broached the bestiality barrier, we're confident that you, the internet surfer, will find satisfaction here at the Shack with the following excerpt from our newest pornographic publication: UniPorn! "Yeah. You like that, unicorn? Huh? Take that. And that. Oh yeah. Shut your

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1075703743532254722004-02-02T01:20:00.000-05:002004-02-02T01:38:00.310-05:00

Why The Superbowl is Important to Me an essay The Superbowl is the most biggest game in the sport of American football. There are many teams who want to be in it, but only two get to play with each other or against. There is a brown ball shaped like a lemon with white stitches. I heard somebody call it a "pigskin" but it doesn't look like a pig's pink flesh. Maybe a dead pig. This is thrown from

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1074927761441429122004-01-24T01:46:00.000-05:002004-01-24T02:05:24.246-05:00

TV Guidance The networks tickle our taste for absurdly elaborate and unlikely circumstances again with Who Wants to Be a US Citizen?, the new reality TV show based on President Bush's proposed immigration legislation. See what happens when Carlos, Juan, Jorge, Diego, Mariposa, Consuela, and Julio are taken off the raft and into a two-bedroom tenement where they'll compete for a visa to work in

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1074926711346637562004-01-24T01:29:00.000-05:002004-01-24T01:47:15.623-05:00

Fun with facts! Who says no news is good news? The Unicorn Shack occasionally exploits the very serious world of current events to make some bad puns loosely based on unconfirmed rumors and generate some search-engine results. Avian influenza One flu over the cuckoo's nest - or - Oops, we thought birds were cannibals

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1074477512500328852004-01-18T20:44:00.000-05:002004-01-18T21:02:43.060-05:00

Help for Heteros Is your boyfriend an unwitting target for closeted homosexuals' come-ons? Tired of watching them flirt with him under the guise of interest in comic books and Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Put an end to it all with Homo No Mo' cologne! The scent of freesia and vaginal secretions combined with his pheromones will drive even the strongest self-denying gay man to face the actuality of

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1074324038911282422004-01-17T01:47:00.001-05:002004-01-17T02:26:01.966-05:00

Albums of the year Though 2004 has only just begun, The Unicorn Shack has its nominations in! The following albums are poised for recognition in 2005. The Skinny Bitches - I'm Fuckin' Hungry! Voyeurs' Antisemite Delight - The Chosen Peephole Breaster Roundsby - Tune In, Tokyo Cracker Jack - Iridescent Flesh Jesus Chic - The Lord is My Savoir-Faire The Condoms - Full O' Cum John Mayer -

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1074101515234363542004-01-14T12:09:00.000-05:002004-01-15T19:30:28.890-05:00

In the news... MBNA Tells Me to Go Fuck Myself SOMERVILLE, January 14 - In an unprecedented gesture of apathy, MBNA nonchalantly suggested the termination of our relationship yesterday after four long years of love, expenditures, and timely payments upon discovery of my employment status, and thereafter refused questions about the meaning of the bond we'd formed over these years, perhaps the

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1073978217527987382004-01-13T01:57:00.001-05:002004-01-13T02:23:50.566-05:00

Sports Trivia Did they win? a.) YEAH! Woo-hoo! b.) Did who win? c.) Win what? d.) When? e.) I don't care. That guy... a.) ...so could've made that goal. b.) ...was totally safe! c.) ...was totally out! d.) ...was totally out of syncronicity with the other swimmers! e.) ...gives me a boner. f.) ...all of the above. Are you going to watch the game? a.) Does a one-winged duck swim in circles? b.)

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1073601880107143222004-01-08T17:11:00.000-05:002004-01-09T03:28:45.423-05:00

Are you fat? Find out with this exclusive Unicorn Shack Questionaire! 1.) Are your ribs visible through your taut flesh? a.) Of course! b.) Not really. c.) Mmm, ribs... 2.) How do you handle an eating binge after the fact? a.) Vomiting is the natural follow-up to an eating binge. b.) I don't really find myself binge-eating. c.) Sleep it off. 3.) What do you think

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1073508626344547862004-01-07T15:40:00.000-05:002004-01-07T15:50:45.610-05:00

Marriage counseling corner "Dry humping saved my marriage!" - you That's right folks; that's what you'll be saying after you read this compelling discussion of dry humping, marriage, and dry humping's saving of marriage. Are you tired of penetration? That same old in-and-out getting you down? Perhaps the flames of romance in your marriage have been smothered

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1073491426686594612004-01-07T10:17:00.001-05:002004-01-07T11:05:25.753-05:00

So topical! In the news: The Bush administration sinks to nearly compassionate humanitarianism to procure the hispanic contingent of the vote in 2004 in its new proposed immigration legislation. Critics and proponents alike are lauding the administration for its prudence in suspending world domination and the elimination of the weak to secure a second term. When asked about reconciling this

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1072808711455514912003-12-30T13:08:00.000-05:002003-12-30T13:27:04.133-05:00

Post 153 Our weed is missing. Nicole and I had to smoke espresso grinds. It did not work. But we did travel through time. It was a harrowing journey through the past. We ended up back at the bar last night, but could not partake in the festivities as encountering our former selves would result in a breach in the space-time continuum. Instead we decided to utilize the obvious alibi to commit

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1072395394941535072003-12-25T18:03:00.000-05:002003-12-29T17:47:43.086-05:00

Post-Christmas depression on Christmas... and you You've hastily unwrapped all your presents and forgotten them, leaving a feeling of emptiness made possible only by months of build-up; suggestive advertising, chronic shopping, and thousands upon thousands of permutations of Jingle Bell Rock. The egg nog has gone to your head this late morning, Christmas songs are triggering your gag reflex, and

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1072214351794054392003-12-23T16:05:00.000-05:002003-12-23T16:19:27.506-05:00

Multiple choice question of the day Q: Why do they always let the monkey go? I found this line written in my notebook and can only surmise it's referring to the all too common frivolous emancipation of captive mischevious monkeys, unleashing disaster upon the unsuspecting (though perhaps deserving) populace. Answer: a.) Because people love monkeys, and therefore tolerate their mischief. b.)

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-1072124992288042532003-12-22T15:04:00.000-05:002003-12-23T02:53:44.893-05:00

Craft Corner You had Fluffy stuffed in a post-mortem moment of sentimentality, but after years of attempts at repositioning the remains in various household rooms, you've just about given up. You can't just toss it in the trash, but Fluffy has turned out to be one big feng shui failure. Concurrently, your mom still hasn't returned your bong, borrowed almost a week ago now. Why not ameliorate

Bettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6237575.post-10721212775040772003-12-22T14:23:00.000-05:002003-12-23T01:23:48.820-05:00

Tapioca Jewel Welcome to the savory garden flavor of blog. This is truly the beginning of the rest of my life. I'm Betty Ballsworth, and I'm going to take you on a journey through a tastefully decorated tomb of time-wasting.

Bettynoreply@blogger.com